


Of Pretense and Promise

by angelus2hot



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dark, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-18
Updated: 2010-11-18
Packaged: 2017-10-15 02:14:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/155959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelus2hot/pseuds/angelus2hot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has a hard time on Halloween.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Pretense and Promise

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** Of Pretense and Promise  
>  **Rating:** PG-13  
>  **Word Count:** 1,278  
>  **Characters/Pairing:** Dean/Lisa  
>  **A/N:** written for [a Halloween/Autumn themed Dean-focused h/c comment-fic meme](http://community.livejournal.com/hoodie_time/228233.html) at hoodie_time

The months since Sammy had went into the pit had dragged by endlessly; each day blending into the other until Dean couldn't tell which day was which. Not that it really mattered to him anymore. He spent most of his time just going through the motions; work, back to Lisa's and repeat. On the days he didn't have his job to fall back on, his mind always went back to Sammy and today was no different.

Dean stared unseeing at the television, his mind drifting back to the years he'd spent with Sam. The Halloweens they'd spent together as kids, sneaking off to go trick or treating when they'd both known better. The risk of getting caught had somehow made the night more special, the candy sweeter. What he wouldn't give to have him back.

Everyday was a battle for him to try and live in a world without his brother. _Time heals all wounds his ass!_ Everyday he missed Sammy more. The pain beat at him until he thought he would scream and the holiday only seemed to make it worse. And he didn't get why. Hell, it wasn't even a holiday they'd actually celebrated anymore. Once they had gotten older and started hunting on their own, they'd both agreed they were too old for it. Besides, what was the point in trying to scare the pants off of each other when the job they had could do it for them?

But that was before the apocalypse. Before Sam went to hell. Now the thought of getting through the next day and the next without his brother was what terrified him. How long was he supposed to pretend that everything was okay when his world, the one he knew, was gone?

Because Sammy had wanted him to, he tried hard to convince Lisa that his life, the one with Sam, was over, that he wanted to be there with her and Ben. But he didn't know if she'd bought it. Hell, why should she believe him when he didn't.

 

"Do you want to help?"

Dean jumped, startled as the question brought him out of his thoughts. He did his best to try and ignore the hopeful tone in the young boy's voice as he quickly stared straight ahead, eyes glued to the tv. "No."

"Come on, Dean. Please? It's a tradition."

With a long suffering sigh, Dean gave up pretending to watch the game and went to help Ben with carving the pumpkin. He picked up the big knife and tested the weight of it before slowly inserting it into the pumpkin. For some reason, unless he was hunting, he'd avoided handling any knife bigger than a steak knife and now he remembered why. He tried to shut his mind to the memories that threatened to bombard him. Memories of things best forgotten but never would be.

Dean took a deep breath and pushed the knife deeper. He tried to ignore the squishy sound the knife made as it sliced through the flesh of the pumpkin. But he couldn't, the sound caused the images that swirled around the corner of his eyes to grow larger; images of people he'd tortured. Their bodies grotesquely contorted with pain, the look of horror etched permanently on their faces.

His hands began to shake as he slid one hand into the cavity of the pumpkin and pulled out a handful of pulp. For a brief moment he saw red. Blood red. The blood of his victims was on his hands just like the pumpkin fiber that slipped through his fingers into the waiting bowl.

With a guttural sound akin to anguish, Dean quickly tossed the knife away and left the kitchen. He knew that Ben was staring at him, his eyes wide with worry and maybe even fright and every instinct Dean had told him to comfort the boy but he couldn't. He just didn't have it in him at the moment. What had made him think he could live a normal life? He didn't even know what normal was. And after everything he had done; what made him think he had the right?

 

At the sound of the knife hitting the floor, Lisa ran into the room, one look at her son's panicked face and she knew something was terribly wrong. After making sure Ben was okay she rushed to Dean's side. Whatever his issues they were going to have to deal with them like any normal couple. Together.

As she stood beside Dean she'd had ever intention of chewing him out but the tortured look on his face changed her mind. "What's wrong?" The silence in the room was deafening as she continued. "Come on, Dean talk to me. Whatever it is, we will get through it."

Finally Dean spoke, "I can't do this, Lisa."

Lisa sat down beside Dean and held his hand tightly in her lap. "What can't you do?"

"This." He looked at Ben, standing in the doorway, his eyes wide with fright. "All of it."

Whatever was wrong she couldn't let her son be apart of it. "Ben, go upstairs." She waited until her son had left the room before she spoke. "But you are doing it. We've been doing so well."

"That's just it, Lisa, we haven't.....I mean I haven't." He lowered his head unwilling to face the hurt that flashed across her face. "I've been going through the motions, pretending everything's okay. When it's not. I'm not the man you think I am, the man you want me to be." A disparaging laugh, full of sorrow and despair escaped him. "Hell, I'm not even the man I want to be."

She held his hand tighter in hers. "You're wrong. I see the man inside of you, the one you're unwilling to acknowledge. And he's a good man."

Tears glistened in his eyes as he fought for control. He wanted to believe her, he really did but he knew it wasn't true. "You don't know what I've done. What I'm capable of doing."

"It doesn't matter."

His mouth hung open in shock. Of everything he would have expected her to say it sure wasn't that. "How can you say that?"

Lisa cupped the side of his face as she leaned in to kiss him gently on the lips. "Because I love you. Maybe, you've done things in the past that you're not very proud of. I get that. But it doesn't take away from what we have, Dean. I won't let it....We won't let it."

Once again Dean remained silent. He had to. He would give anything to be able to take her into his arms and return the love she had so selflessly given him. But the truth was he couldn't. The things that had happened to him while he was in Hell, the things he had done were bad enough but coupled with losing Sammy and it had changed him. He didn't think he was capable of love anymore. Hell, if he was honest, he didn't want to be. Why risk it when the people he loved always ended up leaving him? And after everything he'd done, he knew he damn well didn't deserve to be loved. But Lisa and Ben did. So he would go on pretending for their sake that everything was okay. It was the least he could do. After all he'd made a promise.

With a soft smile Dean ran his thumb over her bottom lip before he slid his hand up to tangle into her hair. "Okay, we won't let it." He whispered her own words back to her before claiming her lips in a tender kiss.


End file.
